Not some “check out how far I ran post”.
For those who know me, know that I am the opposite of a natural runner. I am a shire horse made for pulling large weights slowly, not for floating elegantly across the pavements.
Am I proud of myself for going for a run: yes
Am I pleased with my speed? Yes ish. Time isn’t what I care about, I made it round without stopping. My time was very slow but I never walked and I never gave up and goodness knows I wanted to.
Here are some of the thoughts that went through my head:
- 1234 1234 1234 1234 1234 1234 1234 1234 1234 1234 (that’s me trying to focus on my breathing by the way)
- One foot in front of the other, just keep putting one foot in front of the other
- Sam Briggs (best Crossfitter in the uk) is heavier than me and she can run much quicker so that’s no excuse. My weight isn’t stopping me jogging. Get your head out of the way
- Keep breathing, in out in out (as if I would forget after 39 years of breathing without thought)
- Oh no, I’m wearing gym tights that fall down when I run, now I’m going to be grabbing and pulling all the way round, this is going to be annoying. (20minutes later.. I haven’t even noticed my tights falling down, result).
- Oh my god this road is covered in litter, this is hideous, have these children got no respect, I know where solihull council litter wardens need to hang and it’s on this road. This is disgusting. One foot in front of the other
- Don’t stop don’t stop, you can do this
- Imagine that car has a friend in, let them see you run like the wind, nope, I can’t go any faster, because if I do I’ll have to walk and recover so who am I kidding? One foot in front of the other, keep your head down and hopefully if any of these cars do know me they won’t notice me.
- Save that for the next run, fast and slow intervals, that might be fun. Oh, I just said there would be another run, perhaps this isn’t too bad.
- Does this up hill ever stop? Don’t look up because there’s just more uphill. But what goes up must come down, where’s the god damn downhill? There is no down hill ever! Yes there is but mentally you only notice the tough bit not the easy bit Jess, so instead of thinking uphill, think of something else, litter, so much litter.
- I thought I saw the next turning just in front? It’s gone, that’s the only reason I added this bit on was because I though the turning was here? It’s not here, i can’t see it, just don’t stop, you’ve done it now, just keep running, well jogging. One foot in front of the other
- My knees hurt, is my foot strike right? Shut up Jess, as if 3 miles of jogging slowly is going to damage you even if your foot strike isn’t perfect, my knees can cope, I have this. One foot 1234 1234
- Do other runners find it this hard?
- Is it just me whose breathing sounds like a train, chu chu chu chu chu.
- Where is that last road? Oh thank god it’s here, that’s not it! Keep going it will be it in a minute, it better be it in a minute, don’t quit, don’t stop, the next one isn’t it either, this circuit is lasting miles, that’s the point you fool, each minutes each step is extra calories and challenge, enjoy the extra roads Jess, see them as a challenge
- My buttocks are on fire, that’s a good thing right?
- I deserve a steam room later, I’m definitely going to need to foam roll later
- I am so hot, should I take off my top, but then I’d have to stop and if I stop I might not start again so I’ll just stay hot.
- How nice to be jogging in March and be hot
- There’s a lot of schools and colleges on this run, what a traffic nightmare
- I’m so hot
- Do I still have my car key? Yes still there, of course it’s still there, it’s in a zip pocket that doesn’t come undone, you don’t need to check
- Have I still got my phone? (It’s tucked into my sportbra because I lack a big enough pocket). Jess, you are still listening to music so of course you have your phone. Sometimes you are a donut.
- Can people see my cellulite jiggling? I can feel my bottom bounce, how embarrassing, what must it look like? Doesn’t matter what it looks like, it will look better after this run than before and that’s what matters.
- I must look like the slowest runner ever, I reckon I could get the Guinness record for slowest jogger ever. I bet people are thinking, that’s a talent to be able to run that slow without stopping. Jess! It doesn’t matter what people think, I will never know and even if I did the important thing is I am moving and challenging myself so just keep going.
- My ass looks a lot better jogging than it does sat on a sofa
- I’m one of those fat people jogging so slowly that people think “fair play, at least she’s moving even if she is barely faster than a walk” It’s true, I am moving, and that’s good. I’m happy I’m jogging, I’m finding it tough and I’m still doing it.
- Do I take the shortest route back? No that would be cheating, would it be though, I mean I have been jogging and I’ve done over 2 miles, perhaps if I use the shortcut then at least I know I’ll get back before I have to stop and walk, that way I won’t fail, but you will have failed because you took the shortcut, not really, I didn’t have any knowledge of how far I was going to run, just that I promised myself I wouldn’t walk so the shortcuts ok. No it’s not ok, imagine how great I’d feel if I did the longer route and still didn’t walk, that would feel good and I’ve already done 2 miles without walking so what’s an extra one? You can do this, you got this, one foot in front of the other, you took the longer route, go me, yeah go me,……. how much longer is this longer route? I didn’t realise it was going to be this much longer.
- Should I run through the park? It would be prettier but then there might be people in the way and it would be a shortcut and I’ve only just started so taking a shortcut it just cheating before I’ve achieved.
- How nice is it that I have the time to go for a run, enjoy the freedom Jess, or actually 1234 1234 1234
- That woman floats as she runs, she finds running easily, if she had my body she’d be slow too, shut up Jess, that lady also had her first run at some point and found it tough. Everyone has a day one. This is your day one and it’s a lot better than never having a day one even if it’s tough. Tough means my body is working hard, working hard means burning calories, muscles being used, and organs getting a good work out. Tough is good. If it was easy I wouldn’t be working hard enough. Well done me, I’m working hard.
- This uphill never ends and I don’t remember any downhill. Scientifically that’s not possible. It’s just my imagination, instead let’s imagine that this uphill is actually level. See that’s easier, feel how easy it is to run on this ground with no gradient. That worked, it actually does feel easier, or is that because the gradient has dropped, has it, or is it in my head? Who cares, it feels easier whatever the reason.
- Did I drink enough this morning, this is so tough, perhaps I’m dehydrated? I should have brought a bottle of water. Shut up Jess, you’re jogging for 40 minutes you can function without water for that long, you’re jogging not an Olympic athlete.
- I should have put on sun tan lotion, I’m going to get even more wrinkles, shut up Jess and enjoy that lovely feeling of the sun on my face. That’s lovely.
- This is amazing, my peanut butter on toast isn’t coming back to bite me and I don’t need a wee, this is a good run
- 200m to go, add an extra inch on my stride, no, can’t do that, just keep going, one foot in front of the other, keep breathing, so close, you’re doing it, you’ve done it.
- Oh god I feel sick, I couldn’t have gone another metre. That’s not true, it’s only because that was my finish line mentally I was finished when I crossed it. If I moved the finish line further away you could have kept going. Could I do the 5 mile fun run? Actually, I don’t want to do the fun run, there’s not much fun about running but there might be if I keep trying. Perhaps I’ll try again next week.
I will jog next week. It will be easier next week.